What the Overturn of Roe vs. Wade Means to Me as a Survivor of Sexual Assault

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Sexual Assault, Abortion Bans, Depression and Suicidal thoughts mentioned.

On June 24, 2022 the unthinkable happened, the Supreme Court of the United States overturned one of the most important and influential rulings in U.S. history. By overturning Roe vs. Wade this allows states to completely ban abortions. Mixed emotions were seen world wide, the Pro-Choice community mourned the loss of body autonomy, the “Pro-Life” community celebrated. I will go ahead and be transparent before we get much further - I am Pro-Choice. If this bothers you, go ahead and close this page because what I have to say will just annoy you, nothing you can say can change my mind. I also do not speak for the entire community for those that are Pro-Choice or victims of sexual assault. This is just one story, one perspective in a sea of many.

When I found out about the ruling I was just waking up, part of me hoped it was some nightmare. It’s been several days and I’m still waiting to wake up. I haven’t slept consistently since that day, nightmares of my attacker from my assault back in 2021 haunted my psyche. I am baffled by the “Pro-Life” supporters who celebrate the loss of rights for women year round. I have to hold back sarcastic responses as they spread misinformation across the internet. Claims about how life starts at conception (when science clearly disagrees), mentions of how it’s a sin (which is irrelevant since not everyone is Christian) and so on. The one argument though, the one that makes my skin crawl and my eye twitch is when they say that abortion should be allowed even in cases of sexual assault. They claim that “all life is a gift from God” and that “it’s not the child’s fault.” I have several problems with these people and I will go through each and everyone of them - if you have spoken these things and have not actually been a victim of sexual assault just know I have absolutely no respect for you whatsoever.

If you are not a victim of sexual assault - you have no right to speak about what you‘ve never experienced

Note: If you are a past victim of sexual assault and you are “Pro-Life” please know I respect your opinion 100%. As a fellow warrior you have the right to speak about your experience and how you coped with it.

Unless you have survived the horror that is sexual assault you have NO RIGHT to speak about something you’ve never experienced. I figured I should share my experience to show that not everyone would be joyous to carry the child of their abuser.

October 2021

It was the night of a full moon, the only reason I remember is because I had told my friends how excited I was to see the moon from my rooftop that night. However, before nightfall I wanted to grab some food so I thought why don’t I go to a restaurant since I hadn’t been out to eat by myself in four years, a spur of the minute outing sounded great to me. Since I’m a recluse at heart, I did decide to bring a book to read while enjoying my food and drinks. I txted my boyfriend the entire walk from the parking lot to the restaurant and even after I made it to the bar I continued keeping them updated periodically. When I realized the Astros were playing I told my boyfriend my replies would be a little slower since I wanted to watch the game. When I ordered a beer and some quesadillas I noticed out of the corner of my eye a woman sitting in a booth all by herself. I told the bartender I would buy her a drink of her choice - that was my first mistake. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to mind my own business. I would tell myself to focus on the game. I had good intentions, I figured maybe she was like me and was nervous going out by herself. I never even considered that another woman would want to inflict that type of violence onto someone.

About an hour later, the same woman approached me and thanked me for the drink. She then offered to buy me a drink as a thanks which I accepted, my naive mind was convinced that an older woman would never want to harm me. That mindset was my second mistake, I let my guard down which led to the worst night of my life. Despite the months of therapy under my belt I still blame myself for what occurred later that evening. We chatted for a bit and in between each of my four drinks that night I made sure I drank a full glass of water and ate plenty of food. After I finished my food I decided I was going to run to the bathroom before heading home so I asked the woman to watch my drink while I darted off. When I came back I downed the remainder of my water and asked for my check. After that moment everything starts moving in slow motion. I glanced up at the TV and saw the Astros were in the seventh inning, that was the last thing I remembered before I blacked out.

Before you even start to consider it, no I was not blackout drunk. I had two beers and two shots that night all within a three hour window. In between each drink I ensured I drank a full glass of water and ate plenty of food. I knew I needed to be sober to drive home and I still wanted to stay up late enough to see the full moon. Doctors that I talked to later on told me that I was most likely drugged and since the cops kept me at the scene of the crime for several hours the drugs cleared out of my system by the time I got to the hospital.

When I finally was able to remain conscious for more than 10 minutes I realized I was outside. After looking around at my surroundings I realized I was on The Woodlands Waterway and every step I took make my body ache. I dared to glance at my body but instantly regretted it. I was bruised and cut up all over...my clothes torn badly in some areas. I could barely speak as I asked a couple walking towards me if I could use their phone, my car keys and phone were long gone by then. Both were stolen at gunpoint as soon as I was dropped off at the waterway. I called the police and recalled what I could remember in between my hysterics. I never got the couples name - but they were kind enough to wait with me until the police showed up. I wish I could thank them for the kindness they showed me in that nightmare of a night.

A lot of things happened once the police showed up. I had to go over the series of events at least 6 times, to a different officer each time. I had to refuse an ambulance because the idea of another person getting near me chilled me to my core, all the officers had to stand a foot away from me to keep me from panicking. I had to show the police where everything happened, navigating them as they searched the area for evidence. After about 30 minutes a officer handed me a bottle of water and walked me back to the main road. I shivered as I sat on that curb, wrapping the shreds of my coat that remained around myself, waiting for my parents to pull up that blocked off road.

Once my parents arrived I discovered that the police never even told them what I had reported. They had only told them that I was hysterical and they “thought I was having a nervous breakdown.” You tell me, if you were drugged, assaulted and then robbed at gunpoint what would your mental state be? I felt humiliated, I felt like no one was listening to what I was saying, I felt like no one cared. As soon I told my parents what happened my parents made me feel loved and heard. They whisked me away to the hospital so I could get a rape kit done. That night I learned about all the procedures that would take place for my rape kit to be completed. Let me enlighten you on the series of invasive tests I did that day. I had to wait for two hours for a forensic nurse to arrive since only they could process the kit, if any other type of nurse processed the kit it would be ineligible for use as evidence in the state of Texas. The hospital staff ended up giving me medication to relax since my hysterics had subsided but shock had set in. The entire time I was in the hospital my boyfriend was on the phone with me - keeping me company as I tried to make light of the horrible events that had occurred. I kept mumbling about how my book was torn to shreds and how angry that made me. The attacker tearing parts of it while trying to search in my purse for my keys and phone. My boyfriend would tell me that books could be replaced, but I couldn't. Even though he was over 1,000 miles away on deployment it still felt like he was there with me. While on video chat he would continuously tell me how strong I was and how he wished he was there to hold me. I put on a brave face until the forensic nurse arrived to get my statement and run tests. Once it was a just me and her in that sterile room all the walls I put up crumbled down.

That woman was born to be a forensic nurse, I truly believe that to my core. She was patient, sincere and incredibly kind. I spent the next hour recalling the series of events that led me to this moment for the seventh time that night. Every minute detail I wrote down and she repeated back to me to ensure it was accurate. I had to remove every piece of my clothing and place them into plastic bags that would later be tested for DNA. They scraped under what was left of my nails and placed the debris in a small envelope. She took pictures of my entire body, focusing on the cuts and bruises that were on my body. She took swab samples of every cut, every bruise, and every body part you can think of. She walked me through every step at my own pace and ensured I felt safe the entire time. I stood still as she took pictures of the various bruises and cuts that littered my body.

When she was finished with her tests my mom came back in the room and the doctors gave me some medication so I could sleep a bit while we waited for my test results. After what seemed like an eternity all of my tests had come back clean for STD’s. The nurse told me that I would need a follow up within the next month to confirm if I was pregnant. When she said that it was as if the air was knocked out of my lungs - I had never considered that before. I was so worried about STD’s and when my split lip would heal I didn’t even consider that my assailant could have gotten me pregnant.

September 2021

Flash forward two weeks later at a Planned Parenthood clinic closest to my home. I chose Planned Parenthood for multiple reasons. One - it was the only clinic that could see me within two weeks. Two - I am a big supporter of their organization and how they fight for womens rights. Three - the cost of treatment was significantly lower than any other clinic I had ever went to. I actually didnt pay a dime that day, they were able to get my visit price waived and I got a preloaded Visa card for my participation. So I had to do was agree to provide data from my visit and answer a questionnaire. I am not sure how much I can provide since they did actually pay me for my participation. I will say that Planned Parenthood’s study could innovate women's reproductive healthcare and provide access to vital tests in even the most remote parts of the world.

I tried to park as close to the office as I could to avoid the protesters but it wasn’t close enough. As soon as I get out of my car a woman approached me and tried to give me a pamphlet about God and his commandments. I told her I wasn’t interested and moved past her, she shrieked about how I was a murder while another woman ahead of me blocked my way and told me there were other options available to me. At that point I was done, my lip had not fully healed so every time I talked I would get stabs of pain. I was emotionally drained and these people were not helping matters. I gripped the straps of my backpack till my knuckles were white and stepped towards the woman. She wouldn‘t budge and was blocking the path to the door and continued to step in front of me when I tried to walk past her. I took a deep breath and said “I have had the worst two weeks of my life and you are wearing my patience thin. I need to get inside and if you do not move one of two things will happen. I will either scream bloody murder until you move away from me or I be forced to make you get out of the way by any…means… necessary.” She stepped aside but still tried to give me one of those red leather bibles you see in motels throughout Texas. I shrugged her aside, the front desk buzzed me in, and when I opened the doors I turned to her and said ”I hope God isn’t watching for your sake, because he would be ashamed if he saw how you are tarnishing his teachings.”

I had to numbly recall the series of events for the umpteenth time to the doctor, pausing when nurses would come in and take my vitals or draw blood. The staff there was incredibly kind and accommodating. I still shook if someone touched me so the staff would come in, sit in front of me and distract me by talking about various things like books, tattoos or anime while they ran tests. The doctor gave me a pamphlet for support groups in the area and talked about next steps until my results came in. I was luckily not pregnant (all thanks to my IUD I had in place) and still showing as STD free. I was one of the lucky ones, one of the few among the many.

If I was unlucky enough to become pregnant during that time I would’ve had the option to terminate the pregnancy - which I would have done in a heartbeat. I feared missing the legal window in Texas so much that I would take a test every week to ensure I didn’t find out too late. Don’t get me wrong - I want children one day. In fact, if I were to end up pregnant now with my boyfriend I would happily carry my baby to term. However, I know myself and I know I would not survive my pregnancy if I was pregnant with my rapists child. Most likely I would end my own life before bringing that child into the world. There are others who think differently and have done differently when in my situation and that’s 100% okay. Good for them and their choices. I know myself and I know what I’m capable of.

No one else has a right to decide what we can and can’t do with our own bodies. After surviving a major trauma like sexual assault every person will react differently than you might think. You can sit there and say “oh if I was assaulted I would have the child” but unless you’ve lived through it, heard your own screams, felt that type of soul numbing pain, you have no right to speak about things you know nothing about. Acknowledge that you cannot control others, that your religion or beliefs have no right to influence other peoples lives and let people live their lives how they see fit.

I had the option to seek the care I needed in Texas at that time, now in a Post Roe V. Wade world there are many women who do not have access to the life saving care that they need. Some miscarriages such as ectopic pregnancies require abortions to save the mother but doctors waste vital hours navigating the red tape the states have set up instead of saving their patients lives. Women could now face prosecution due to a miscarriage that a court of people believe could be an abortion. Young adults seek to get abortions for sexual assault related pregnancies only to find out that they can’t afford to go a state over to have the procedure done. Even if they could afford to go they run the risk of being charged the moment they return to their home state. It’s like a modern day witch hunt, we are the hunted and the states are the executioners.

How You Can Fight Back

Despite the overwhelming feeling of helplessness I have discovered a couple ways you can help fight for womens rights. Nothing in this world ever changes unless you show the world that we can’t be ignored.

1. Donate money/items to Pro-Choice organizations in your area such as Planned Parenthood, Center for Reproductive Rights or the American Civil Liberties Union.

2. Vote Pro-Choice candidates in local, state and federal level offices. Make sure that you find out the deadlines to register in your city/state.

3. Volunteer with Pro-Choice organizations in your area.

4. Write your local, state and federal level representatives.

5. Peacefully protest - make your voice heard.

6. Share your story/perspective, your words have more impact than you think.

7. Stay informed and share accurate/factual information with those that are spreading false information.