Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

According to the National Sexual Assault Violence Resource Center “Nearly 1 in 5 women (18.3%) in the United States have been raped at some time in their lives.” I am that 1 in 5. I decided in honor of April being Sexual Assault Awareness month I would share my story. This was a letter I wrote my 17 year old self.

TRIGGER WARNING:

THIS LETTER MENTIONS SEXUAL ASSAULT, DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL TENDENCIES.

Hey there,

You don’t know me yet but I’m who you will grow up to be. Believe it or not - we have made it so far to almost see our 22nd birthday. You probably don’t believe me and I totally get it, you don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel right now but it does really exist. It may take you 4 more years but you’ll become who you’re truly meant to be and make it out of that small town in the middle of nowhere. Right now you are “madly in love” with a guy from your school. What you don’t yet realize is that the way he treats you isn’t love baby girl.

I know nothing I say will make you change your mind and you may not even finish this because you’ll be annoyed that I’m making up “lies” about him. But in the back of your mind there will be that voice that agrees. In the end you will have to decide for yourself when enough is enough. Even if I could convince you I wouldn’t - because everything that he will put you through will make you so much stronger.

Your best friend will be the first to make remarks about how she doesn’t like how he treats you. You’ll brush it off and defend him because that’s what a good girlfriend does right? You explain that he can’t handle his emotions very well and thats why he goes silent when he’s angry at you. Not because he’s punishing you for disagreeing with him. Later on you’ll find out that was just a lie that he told you to manipulate you and make you feel like the bad guy. Because of him you know the signs of someone trying to use your anxiety against you.

He will break up with you and tell you that he doesn’t love you and never did. He will tell you that you are whats holding him back from going to a big university. You’ll be heartbroken for a couple of days but once you start feeling better and smiling again that’s when he creeps back into your life. He tells you that it’s because he realized that he made a mistake and you believe him because he told you that he loves you. Later on you’ll realize he just wanted to control you and not let anyone else “have” you. Because of him you learned that people will tell you they love you just to bend your will.

After he takes your virginity it just continues to get worse and worse. At one point he asks you to stop taking your anti-depressants since your sex drive dropped after taking them and you’ve gained weight. You listen because he gets moody if you don’t have sex with him often. This leads to increases in suicidal thoughts and self harm but you don’t take them for months because he tells you thats what makes him happy. Because of him you promised yourself years after this that you would NEVER be with someone that was only after sex and your body.

Then he will ask you to stop taking your birth control because he thinks thats why you’re always suffering from cramps. You listen but years later you’ll find out you have endometriosis and PCOS and those medications were helping your cramps. Because of him you decided that we would advocate for our own healthcare no matter what anyone said.

Once you get back on the anti-depressants and you gain weight again he will always comment on how much you eat and tell you to stop if he thinks you’ve had enough. This eventually leads to an eating disorder that we still deal with to this day. You think that he’s just concerned about your health but in reality that type of behavior causes more harm than good. Because of him you swore to never be with someone that constantly comments on your weight.

When Christmas of 2016 hits he keeps giving you more and more alcohol. You can barely talk, barely see, the last thing you remember is him recording you on the ground while you’re trying to tell him something is wrong. You wake up the next morning naked and with bruises all over. At first you’re confused, then you’re sick to your stomach, and then you get sucked into the dark place again. When you finally confront him he will tell you that “it wasn’t rape because I’m your boyfriend” and “you wanted to do it”. You actually believe him when he says that you’re overreacting. Years later you’ll meet a wonderful therapist that believes us and tells us we aren’t crazy.

He wasn’t innocent, not at Christmas, not when you would wake up in the middle of the night with him on top of you, not when he didn’t listen when you told him no, it was all rape.

I won’t lie to you - it will be absolute hell recovering from that monster put you through. But I have good news - you will never rely on a man for your own happiness again.

You will become a force of nature that is both fearless and compassionate. You come out to your family as a gender fluid bisexual. You continue your passion for content creation and create such a warm and loving community. Once you embrace your authentic self all of those obstacles that stopped us from thriving before seem like nothing now.

I know right now you don’t believe that there will ever be a place where you belong but just hold on a little while longer. The life that’s in store for us.....it goes beyond your wildest dreams. Even if you don’t love yourself right now, I do.

I can’t wait for you to meet me♥️

-Future Jen