New "Normal"
- Jen
- Dec 9, 2019
- 5 min read
The last time I posted on this blog was March 25, 2019 and I described the struggle of coming back from a depressive episode. So much has happened since then, I moved into my own apartment, adopted two beautiful cats, added more responsibility at my job, start working towards eating a vegan diet and focused on living a sustainable lifestyle. As noteworthy as these events are, I am writing today to discuss the most significant and recent event that has occurred: my recent diagnosis with manic bipolar disorder.
In early October of this year my doctor noticed that some of the symptoms that started occurring within the past couple of months aligned more with manic bipolar disorder than with my previous diagnosis of clinical depression. Additionally with my bipolar diagnosis the doctor also diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the constant nightmares and anxiety attacks that are triggered by memories of my trauma. For most people this may not seem like much, but for me it was everything. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression since the age of 13 and during that time I had accrued such a vast knowledge of the causes, symptoms, medications and their side effects. I had a clear idea of what I was dealing with and in a sense I had a gained a sense of familiarity. Now with this new diagnosis I was put on a whole new arsenal of medications that I had never heard of before and I honestly had no idea what to look out for when it comes to manic episodes. I was distraught because I would have to be even more observant that usual to make sure that these new medications do not have any adverse effects on my body such as severe weight gain, acne breakouts, mood swings, etc. Additionally, I was not looking forward to needing to develop a whole new set of tools to help with episodes since the ones I had worked years would not help fully with my episodes. I also was terrified of what others would think of my diagnosis, bipolar disorder and post traumatic stress disorder have a much more menacing reputation than depression in society.
Flash forward to December and I can personally say I am slowly learning what to look out for when it comes to bipolar episodes. As well as attaining a brief idea as to the differences between bipolar episodes and clinical depression episodes. Personally I struggled with distinguishing bipolar episodes while they are occurring, they are much harder to distinguish than a clinical depression episode. Depression episodes consisted of a constant crippling mixture of sadness and darkness that just made me want to curl in a ball and sleep for the entire day. There was just a constant pressure of this weight on my chest that made me feel exhausted all day long, it was impossible to miss the feeling depression caused. However, my bipolar episodes are the polar opposite (see what I did there) there are two phases with my bipolar episodes: The High and The Low. The highs (typically referred to as mania) usually start off with me laughing at something super insignificant such as one of my cats making a cute face or my boyfriend saying a corny joke. Yet this isn't normal laughter, it's the all consuming kind of laughter that causes my eyes to start tearing up and my stomach to hurt. Once I start laughing it's hard to stop and usually I have to talk through the fits to explain I can't stop if I'm with someone. In truth when I had my first mania fit I was terrified, I felt as if my mind was split into fractals which was causing me to laugh uncontrollably. Another version of my highs is I get the sudden urge to do A LOT of online shopping. For example: One day I was just sitting at home on my couch and I thought "Man I really want to buy a new desk so I can paint in the living room". Five minutes later I bought this very expensive glass desk and attachable lamp off of Amazon even though in the back of my mind I knew that I couldn't afford to spend an overabundance of money. The lows always follow after the high has faded away, that familiar darkness creeps in and pulls me back down. I've noticed that these lows are still the same intensity but do not last as long as before. The max amount of time that a low has lasted for me was two days. Usually a manic episode pulls me out of the low and the cycle starts all over again.
Thankfully, I can say that the medication I'm currently on has caused the length of my episodes to significantly drop. I still have episodes at least 4 times a week but they are not as serious or lengthy as when I was first diagnosed. I can now reason with myself when I get the sudden urge to buy a llama off of Craigslist or adopt another cat. I also am so grateful that I have such an understanding and flexible team of people in my corner. My boyfriend can tell immediately if I'm having an episode and will constantly ask if I'm ok or if I need anything. I know that if a low is hitting harder than usual I have a list of people who will pick up the phone and talk me through it. I'm also so blessed that with the medications I am currently taking there is not any significant side effects. When I first started I noticed there was some weight gain but it was nothing that close monitoring of my food intake couldn't fix. I still have nightmares several times a night so I have to find the right dosage when it comes to my post traumatic stress disorder medication, but it's a step in the right direction.
There is a lot of research I will need to do to get a full understanding of what causes bipolar disorder and why I developed it after 7 years of treatment for clinical depression. I know it will take some time to feel the same familiarity as I had previously but the more I understand bipolar disorder the easier it will be for me to come to terms with my diagnosis. It is frustrating that there is not any solid evidence as to what exactly causes bipolar disorder, contrasting to the research on clinical depression. Some evidence points towards genetics while others point to chemical imbalances. The lack of research may be due to the fact that according to the National Institute of Mental Health "major depression is one of the most common mental disorders in the United States." While in a similar study by the National Institute of Mental Health stated "4.4% of U.S. adults experience bipolar disorder at some time in their lives." This can explain why there is such a huge gap in research for this disorder. In a way I use those studies to rationalize that I am apart of a small population of society with this disorder, but I am not alone. So even though there is not much research on bipolar disorder I can seek guidance from my psychiatrist and hopefully understand what may have triggered this disorder in the first place.
Until next time, thanks for reading about my journey for deciphering a method to this madness.
Sources
“Major Depression.” National Institute of Mental Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Feb. 2019, https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/major-depression.shtml.
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