What Causes the Dam to Burst?
- Jen
- Feb 27, 2019
- 6 min read
There are a lot of factors that contribute to mental strain, in most cases we tend to suppress our emotions to the point where we hide problems or feelings that we don’t want to deal with behind this wall (I refer to it as the dam). The Dam holds back all the pain, embarrassment, anxiety, etc. until eventually it bursts releasing an agonizing mixture of all these emotions we attempted to push aside.
Lately with all that’s been going on in my life my mental health has been taking a turn for the worst. I discovered through this journey that our mental health can be affected by a variety of things, some stuff that we have no control over. That’s some scary stuff to come to terms with, because we tend to spiral when life doesn’t lay out the way we want it too. I’m not trying to sound like some motivational speaker who tells you that your life can be fixed by buying my book, because in all honesty my life is still in shambles and I haven't written a book. I feel like no matter how hard I try to rebuild my mental health some other trial enters my life and tries to make me quit for good. I just want to share with you all how I feel like my life is spinning out of control lately, maybe it’ll give you some comfort throughout whatever trial that’s recently been thrown your way to know that the universe isn’t singling you out from the crowd. The universe is just a raging dick.
Why I Personally Believe that Rainy Days SUCK
I remember in middle school we were reading The Great Gatsby and my teacher explained how the weather was supposed to symbolize the characters emotions. After that I started to see how I felt during certain types of weather, kind of like an experiment. It was then that I learned I really HATE rainy days that blocks out the sun. When the sun is shining and I can feel the heat radiating on my skin I’m happier and my anxiety decreases dramatically. When the clouds darken the sky and the fog drapes silently over the landscape my mood plummets drastically. I just want to curl up under a blanket and disappear into my cocoon. I can tell before looking outside if the weather is gloomy or clear depending on how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning. For gloomy days, it’s a struggle to make myself start moving, I lay in bed for 30 minutes just preparing myself to face the day. When I get up as soon as the alarm goes off I know that it’s going to be a beautiful day. Stormy weather is a whole different story, I’m super anxious and skittish when the thunder rolls in. When the thunder and lightning are met with high winds my paranoia convinces me that a tornado is right outside my window and I won’t be able to sleep a minute.
In all seriousness, from my experience I believe the weather can affect your mental health. If you think about it, it would make sense that if your surrounded by a shroud of gloom that your emotions would reflect that. The weather where I live lately has been nothing but constant dark clouds, fog and rain. Slowly it has been draining me of my energy, at this point I would kill to just sit on a bench and feel the sun hitting my face, or anything frankly besides this weird heavy mist that hasn’t stopped making everything damp. I know some people love the rain, so sorry if I offended you with the truth, but rainy weather is for crying into a pint of ice cream and “The Notebook” not my happiness. I just feel like I keep trying to climb out of this hole but I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. BUT THAT’S BECAUSE THE CLOUDS ARE COVERING THE SUN.
When Your Body Turns Against You
I’ve always been a sickly child, so many different allergies and doctors’ appointments were the staple of my childhood. I remember at one point I was so sick that while lying on the couch I felt my body rocking as if I was on a boat. My Mom was crying and my Dad kept drawing a cross with Holy Water on my forehead, to this day that has been the only time that I heard him pray. Of course, I got better because I’m here now typing my problems away. However, during that time I remember being so sad because I wanted to go outside and play but I could barely sit up without feeling sick. Who would’ve thought ten years down the road and I’m rocking on that very same boat. My body has turned against me yet again, and unlike when I was ten I know now that there is so much more to life than playing with the kids down the block, I know that life holds an expiration date. I know that sometimes the doctors can’t make everything better and some people are unfortunate enough to be born with defects that can’t be resolved with chalky bubblegum medicine.
I have been feeling this constant excruciating pain in my abdomen/pelvic area, sometimes to the point where I throw up from it. My body becomes absorbed by something that I can’t even see, but I feel in every cell of my body. This pain has not left for almost two months now and I truly believe that this may be the thing to break me. I have endured so much throughout my life and I would hate for me to be taken out by CRAMPS of all things. My brother Chris would have a field day at my funeral so I refuse to give him the satisfaction of making period jokes.
Anyways, in order to determine what the best course of action to treat my pain would be I have to get surgery done and when I first found out I was petrified. So many people asked me how I was feeling but I “assured” them I was ok, that it’s no big deal. Then my doctor got into the nitty gritty details about how I was going to be put under, the tubes to support me during surgery, and what the procedure entailed. I left that appointment with my parents with my best fake it till you make it mask I could muster, but as soon as I hit the highway I was in shambles trying to wrap my mind around it. How could my body fall apart in a matter of months? I couldn’t handle how mortality had just waltzed up and pimp slapped me out of the blue, disrupting the new opportunities that had just come my way. I just started my new job that I am head over heels in love with, working under the best management staff that only exist in movies, and I was even excelling in the training as if it was my second nature. The biggest shock for me was when the doctor told me he wasn’t even sure what all they were going to do while INSIDE MY BODY. There was no game plan, no pre-determined check list for what they were going to do. I know that there’s no possible way to determine every step of a surgery, I’m on season 11 of Greys Anatomy so I’m basically a surgeon. It’s just the part of my being that want’s control in my future took hold of me and panicked when being told that no one really knows what will happen on that table.
That appointment was almost a month ago, as I’m approaching the surgery date the days seem to fly by faster no matter how hard I try to slow them down. With every closer day, my anxiety reaches a new level and my sanity dwindles with every pulsating pain in my abdomen. The best way I can describe this pain is like a rock in your shoe that you can’t seem to get out. The feeling of the pebble doesn’t stop you from going anywhere but you can feel it with every single step you take. Imagine that pebble being there for months, would drive you kind of insane right? Right now, I have my room full of picture encouragements to get me through the day, my favorite one is my vision board that is full of different things to keep my motivated.
Don’t Forget to Breathe
I know my mental state isn’t the best right now, but I am not tapping out just yet. Every morning I look at my vision board to remind myself that you can’t go anywhere in life if you don’t take the path that is laid out for you. I have cried many tears these past months from fear, anxiety, or flat out pain, but I never let myself sink into the dark pit that is depression. I have my tribe surrounding me to remind me that I am loved and cared for beyond my own comprehension. I have my dog Skadi who makes sure to snuggle close to me at night to scare the nightmares away. Lastly, I have my own hope that I’ll come out of this nightmare stronger than I have ever been. Hopefully I will no longer need a Dam to keep the monstrous thoughts at bay, a girl can dream right?
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