Welcome to the Madness

This website/blog is my way of lending a helping hand to others who need advice or guidance when it comes to mental illness. I should let you all know I am not a licensed psychologist (yet), I just have been dealing with my mental health issues for as long as I can remember so I picked up on a few things throughout the years. Slowly I will be adding articles in between work and my many doctors appointments. I will be on bedrest for at least a couple of days in the future so I'll have even more time then to post some and answer any questions. I'm hoping to get some sort of schedule set for posts, but right now I'm going to make sure to post at least twice a week, in the beginning and on the weekend. You can send questions by going to the about tab and sending me an email, and I'll answer in the order by the most recent. I'll try to put at least two questions in each Q&A post so I can answer questions as fast as possible. So now that the basics are covered, let me introduce myself and tell you a little bit about who I am.

I have anxiety and depression, when I say that I don't mean the same thing that people post quotes about on Tumblr that usually has some girl wearing a beanie in the background picture. I mean crippling anxiety and depression, that's disturbing and terrifying and a never-ending battle in my head. Normal people have no idea how to comprehend my situation, they try to think from their perspective and if it makes no sense to them then I’m automatically an attention whore or overdramatic. There is no sense to this madness that is mental illness, we could get technical and say my brain doesn’t produce as much serotonin as yours, but when it comes down to it I don’t get to make the shots when it comes to my emotions. I can have the best day ever and out of the blue my anxiety and depression will swallow me whole and spit me out into pieces. My own boyfriend could be play wrestling with me and if he holds me a little too hard I’ll start shaking and crying because my anxiety is going to remind me of a time when someone wasn’t playing. Innocent and blissful moments ruined by the mere memory that is brought up by my PTSD. If a friend texts me in a way I find different my mind is automatically going to assume that they’ve finally had enough of me and are tired of having to listen to my never-ending sob stories. Because that’s what my life had become, a sad story of a girl who was once happy all the time who now makes jokes about offing herself that make others uncomfortable. In reality I’ve always been this way, at some point in high school it just became too exhausting to pretend to be normal.

However, recently I started taking a new medication and exercising at least once a day and it has improved the state of my mental health dramatically. I realized that I was trying so hard to get better not for myself, but so I wouldn't be considered a freak show to other people. The funny thing is, no matter if you're mentally stable or not someone will always think you're a loser. I guess this epiphany gave me the motivation to try again on improving myself, because I'll always be that weirdo to someone so why not just be myself. Of course I'm not saying I am suddenly cured and I don't have dark days, that would be an utter lie. I do now get up in the morning and appreciate how beautiful the sky is, or how happy my dog gets when I say her name. I'm hoping as I move forward through this journey, that you guys will enjoy and learn from my experiences. Also that I can help as many of you as possible with your journey too, one step at a time we will finally find a method to this madness.

Skadi (my emotional support dog) sleeping after a long day of wiggling